Confused, overwhelmed, in despair, with a slight sense of relief over the possibility of controlling my own ending, I struck up a conversation with God. The truth was, I really didn’t want to die, I just wanted the pain to end, and I knew no other way than suicide to make it happen.
Knees drawn to my chest as I sat hunched on the floor, I looked toward the ceiling, “Do you hate me?”
“Are you mad at me?”
“For what? Being human? I remember how you are made.” (Psalm 103:14)
“Are you sorry you made me?”
“Why would I be sorry for making something I call wonderful? Do you know more than I do?” (Psalm 139:13-16) “Does the clay know more than the Potter who molds it? Can I not reshape you into something even more purposeful?” (Jeremiah 18:2-6)
“Then why is this happening to me? Why did you do this?”
“Oh my child. I did not cause this, but I can redeem it. I gave all people the right to choose for themselves. I do not force my will on anyone. However, what others intend for harm, I can use to save many lives. This situation is about many more people than just you.” (Genesis 50:20)
“It feels like I’ll never smile again. Like I’ll never enjoy anything again. Like it’s pointless to draw another breath.”
“I created you on purpose. With purpose. To fulfill a purpose. This cannot be taken away. (Romans 11:29) It is up to you to seek until you find. To decide before you feel. And to crawl until you can run. (Isaiah 40:31)
“You cannot see what is happening in the invisible world on your behalf. Just because the timing doesn’t match your desires, does not mean my warriors are not fighting for you. (Daniel 10:10-14) Don’t allow your emotions to convince you the darkness will never end. This is but a temporary season in your life. If you give up too soon, you will miss the victorious end I have planned for you. (Jeremiah 29:11)
I took in a deep breath and exhaled loudly before asking my final question. “We both know I’m a total mess. I feel worthless and lonely. So before I say what I’m getting ready to, please forgive me if I’m out of line, but I need to say this honestly. I want to believe my life could have meaning, but knowing I couldn’t trust the people closest to me makes me wonder, how can I trust you?”
I’m pretty sure I heard him chuckle just a little. “Why are you placing all of your hope in people, who do not have the authority, the power, or the pure desire to meet your needs as I do? (Isaiah 2:22) I know the end from the beginning — how things will unfold. (Isaiah 46:8-10) I can restore the years the locusts have eaten. The large locust and the small locust. There is nothing too small or too great that I cannot redeem. (Joel 2:25-26) Your perseverance will produce character and hope and purpose from your pain. (Romans 5:3-5) I am the Lord, I have spoken, and I have given you a mediator, my son, Jesus Christ — He fights for you every day. (Hebrews 6:17-20) (1 Timothy 2:5)
As I sat huddled on the floor, God didn’t give me all of the scripture references I’m providing you here. And I can’t remember verbatim the order and precise wording He used that day, but the core message is preserved clearly in my mind. Over the years, He’s reinforced His message to me through my reading of the Bible. As I’ve went where I know He speaks, I’ve discovered the passages I share with you now.
Just as God’s words echoed into the edges of my mind that day, my husband walked into our basement. One look at the gun languishing in my hand threw him into action, and he quickly grabbed it. I didn’t resist. I no longer felt compelled to make the pain go away, though I still had much to endure.
Many things would strengthen me to walk through the dark valley of near suicide, until one day, I finally stepped back into the light. But it would take time, resolve, perseverence, and holding onto the hope God offered me when I hit the bottom to get there. I’ll finish this series by sharing the specific actions I took to get through that torturous season. Practical as well as spiritual ways God inspired me to push past the pain into a purpose I couldn’t imagine.
Have you ever faced your own dark thoughts, tempting you to end it all? How did you take those thoughts captive?
Anita Fresh Faith
Anita Agers-Brooks is an international speaker, Business and Inspirational Coach, Communications Specialist, Certified Personality Trainer, and Certified Training Facilitator. In addition, Anita is the author of, First Hired, Last Fired — How to Become Irreplaceable in Any Job Market. Her latest book, Getting Through What You Can’t Get Over, releases through Barbour Publishing in April, 2015.
Anita also co-hosts a weekly podcast, Engaging Life and Leadership with Darren Dake, available on iTunes, Stitcher, and other podcast platforms.
She’s a partner in The Zenith Zone, a business consulting firm. Member of the National Association of Professional Women, Christian Writer’s Guild, Advanced Writers and Speakers Association, and Toastmasters. A graduate of CLASSeminars for Leaders, Speakers, and Authors, a co-founder of The StoryWriting Studio, and speaker on circuit for Stonecroft International Ministries.
Anita is passionate about work with integrity, healthy relationships, healing hurts, and issues of identity. She travels the country teaching others from her personal experiences and research. She believes it’s never too late for a fresh start with fresh faith.